For those unaware, June 6, 2026 was the first Cowabunga Weekend party and it definitely won’t be the last. There are certain things that are good for the soul, and playing retro games on the couch with friends while consuming food from my childhood was definitely good for the soul.

Bit of a rocky start, but we got there

The day started at around 6:00am. Got up, showered and started getting things setup. Of course, as with every Extra Life stream I do and despite my best efforts, my PC decided the sound wasn’t going to work at all this morning (I had setup and tested everything the night before by the way). Luckily, a quick reboot fixed the issue. I snarfed a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, hauled all the hot sauce down into the Swank Tank (my basement), and fired up the stream just in time for 8:00am.

The morning was pretty chill playing through the Sonic portion of Sonic Adventure. Good start to the day.

Switched to Super Mario world around lunch and of course had to pair it with some Super Mario Kraft Dinner and Sharkleberry Fin Kool-aid. I don’t know how to describe it, but Super Mario Kraft Dinner just tastes better than regular Kraft Dinner. It must be something about the chonkyness of the noodles and that they are just a bit al dente. I don’t know, just try it for yourself. In fact, pair it with Sharkleberry Fin Kool-aid for a real taste sensation.

Those look like some thick noods

– DigitalNomadAnalogHermit

The chaos begins

Around mid-afternoon, people started showing up and we switched over to some couch co-op and multiplayer games. We had a big group, so at times it was complete chaos but everyone got a turn.

Around the cowabung-hour (5:00pm) we switched over to, well… the Switch for some Shredder’s Revenge (I know, not technically a retro game, but in the spirit of one).

Of course, we naturally had to pair Shredder’s Revenge with the most iconic pizza from the 90s (Pizza Hut) and wash it down with some Cherry Coke. Honestly, that combo slapped way harder than I was expecting.

The d20 of Pain was rolling

Any donation during the stream over $20 earned a roll of the d20 of Pain; the higher the roll, the hotter the sauce. The donations were coming in hot during the stream (pun intended), and the d20 was favouring high rolls. Let’s just say I was suffering (both during the stream and the day after).

By midnight, the party had died down, but we finished off the night playing some some duck hunt with an old friend. Absolute perfection.

Check out the (almost) full stream below

Keep in mind, I didn’t quite get the sound levels sorted out until about 3 and a half hours in, AND apparently YouTube only saves the first 11 hours and 55 minutes. Sorry, I’m new at this… kinda. I’m working on a highlights video, so stay tuned.

Too many damn scales

Look at the bottle or website of your favourite hot sauce and you’re bound to see at least some variation of the mess above. You got 5-point scales, 6-point scales, 10-point scales, 12-point scales, thermometers, mild/medium/hot scales, and of course the mother of all scales: Scoville. They are all trying to tell us how much hurt these sauces will inflict without any consistency, standard, or accuracy. I applaud their effort, but it’s time for something better.

Scoville is meaningless

Well, what about Scoville? On the surface it seems like the best scale and is as close to an objective standard as we can get. True, but it has it’s problems too:

• It’s not human. The range goes from 0 to (as of today) 2,693,000. What does that mean? Is 400,000 hot? who knows.
• It’s not feasible. Most sauces don’t have a Scoville rating because it’s not easy to calculate.
• Perception varies. Take for example DA’BOMB Beyond Insanity. This sauce has a measly Scoville rating of 135,600. I can tell you that anyone who has ever tried that sauce knows it feels a helluva lot hotter than that.

The new standard (Dzamage)

I designed my scale for how humans consume hot sauce. The result is a 12 point scale that answers the question:

How would it feel to the average person to consume a standard dinner-sized plate (10-12″) of food (evenly distributed approximately 1″ thick) with a moderate drizzle of hot sauce applied.

There are a couple exceptions to this rule:

1. If the sauce is prepared for a specific use case (such as chicken wings), the test would instead be for that specific use case in a restaurant-sized serving. So in the case of a wing sauce, the test would instead be for 100% coverage of 8 standard sized wings.
2. If the test is not sauce related, but rather a feature of a dish or drink, the test would instead be for full consumption of a restaurant-sized serving of that dish or drink.

Wait a sec, what’s a moderate drizzle?

I knew you would ask, so here’s a detailed diagram:

Now that we have the parameters sorted out, here’s how the scores are distributed:

The Dzamage Scale (DZ)

1 DZ

1. No perceived heat at all. For example Ranch salad dressing is a 1.

2 – 4 DZ (Mild)

The mild range is assigned 3 values:

2. Barely perceivable heat

3. Left wanting much more heat

4. Left wanting a bit more heat

5 – 9 DZ (Goldilocks)

I’ve given the most range to the Goldilocks zone, because variety is the spice of life (pun intended). Some dishes you want a bit spicier than you would normally, some you want a bit milder.

5. A bit more mild than perfect (edge of enjoyability)

6. A tad milder than perfect

7. The Perfect amount of heat

8. A tad hotter than perfect

9. A bit more hot than perfect (the edge of comfort)

10 – 12 DZ (Hot)

Much like the mild range, the hot range is given 3 values:

10. Uncomfortably hot

11. Painfully hot

12. Dangerously hot

13 DZ

13 Dzamage (which isn’t an official value) is reserved for one thing and one thing only, pure capsaicin extract and nothing else.

Feel free to use this scale

In fact, I encourage it’s usage. Put it on your bottle, website, whatever. If you want, link back here so that people know what it means. I dream of a world with a consistent standard for spicy: consistant, human-friendly, and easy to determine.

It’s a blessing and a curse that no one sauce works for all foods, but as the ‘ol clique goes, variety is the spice of life. That being said, you don’t have to bust the wallet buying a bunch of artisan sauces; instead focus on getting a sauce in each of the “Heatfull Eight” categories, and you’ll have a sauce for every occasion.

The “Heatfull Eight” (Categories)

In order of importance (at least for me)

• The Mad Dog
• The Sinner Saint
• The Bandito
• The Ninja
• The Wiseguy
• The Wingman
• The Donkey
• The All-Rounder

The Mad Dog

Flavour Profile: Condiment
Pepper Suggestion: Scotch Bonnet
Use it on: Hot dogs, burgers, fries, and sloppy joes.

The Mad Dog is your condiment of choice. In my case, it’s almost always a mustard based sauce, but for you it could be a ketchup based sauce, BBQ sauce, dill pickle, or even a sriracha. The Mad Dog is going to be the sauce you go through the quickest in your collection, so always have an extra bottle ready to go.

The Sinner Saint

Flavour Profile: Sweet heat
Pepper Suggestion: Habanero or Datil
Use it on: Chicken tenders, wings, and pork chops.

Much like life, you need a sauce in your collection that balances both pain and pleasure. Habanero and Datil peppers bring a good amount of heat and pair well with sweeter flavours like mango or similar fruits. Chicken and pork are prime candidates for this sauce. Throw some down on your chickie burg or your tendies, you won’t regret it.

The Bandito

Flavour Profile: Mexican
Pepper Suggestion: Jalapeño
Useit on: Tacos, burritos, and Mexican food.

This is likely where your love affair with the heat started while trying to add a little something to the sacred family taco Tuesday. The problem with finding your Bandito sauce is one of abundance; the hot sauce aisle is dominated by this favour profile and finding the perfect one is like finding a diamond in a pile of glass.

The Ninja

Flavour Profile: Asian
Pepper Suggestion: Gochugaru & Szechuan
Use it on: Ramen and Asian cuisine.

There are a few things in life I refuse to do without, and two of them are instant ramen and quick-and-dirty Chinese takeout. As such, you can’t be putting a bandito sauce on either (or at least you better not be). You need the ninja to do the work.

The ninja (much like the name implies) is an illusive flavour profile to pin down. It’s not sriracha (I’d put that more in the Mad Dog category). Think more along the lines of sesame, kimchi, soy sauce, and shiitake mushroom flavours when selecting your assassin.

The Wiseguy

Flavour Profile: Garlic
Pepper Suggestion: White Habanero
Use it on: Pizza, Pasta, and Italian Food.

Eyyy, it’s a garlic hot sauce. You put it on foods that taste good with garlic. Atta boy. Don’t ask too many questions.

The Wingman

Flavour Profile: Nothing
Pepper Suggestion: Cayenne or ghost pepper
Use it on: Eggs or anything you want to add heat to without a impacting flavour.

Contrary to what the name might suggest, the wingman has nothing to do with wings. The wingman sauce isn’t the centre of attention, but instead takes a supporting role; it adds heat and nothing else. Cayenne sauces are good at this as they don’t interfere with the flavour of the dish, they just add the heat. If you need something more potent than cayenne, you can upgrade to Ghost Pepper. Bit of a trade-off as the ghost imparts more flavour, but a helluva lot more heat.

The Donkey

Flavour Profile: Horseradish or wasabi
Pepper Suggestion: None
Use it on: Roast beef, sushi, and seafood.

Nothing wakes you up better than a swift kick to the face, and that’s where a good horseradish or wasabi sauce comes in. The donkey is a unique sauce in that it doesn’t bring the heat like other sauces. Instead of that capsaicin burn, you get a quick kick to the sinuses from the allyl isothiocyanate (you know, the same active ingredient they use in tear gas). Find one that has both and get the ol’ one-two punch. Also works good for those days at school or in the office where you can’t keep your eyes open.

The All-Rounder

Flavour Profile: House rules
Pepper Suggestion: Up to you
Use: Everything else.

If you’re just starting out with your collection, this is going to be the hardest sauce to find, so maybe leave it for last. This sauce is your ride or die. It’s going to work best for most of the food you eat most often and it might not fit neatly into the other categories. It’s different for everyone and when you find it, you’ll know.

Does this sauce bring you joy?

Keep in mind, this ain’t an objective thing. Your taste, preferences, and heat tolerance in hot sauce is yours and is likely very different from mine. For me, the “heatfull eight” covers most of the food I eat (literally), but maybe you don’t like horseradish as an example. Swap that category with something else, maybe your thing is buffalo sauce (which I think tastes like paint). Or, stop listening to randos like me on the internet and buy every interesting sauce you come across. Who am I to tell you what to do.

Buy the sauces that bring you joy.